Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like more and more young people are comfortable cohabitating. Which is to say, that they are playing house, or that they are pretending to be married without actually being married. Now, it’s not as though this didn’t happen when I was a young buck myself, however, there was still a veneer of Christian consciousness which frowned upon such things.
After, having spent twelve years in pastoral ministry I can honestly say, I have never seen any of these “committed” relationships work, where there wasn’t repentance resulting in either breaking off the relationship, or marriage. I can’t think of one relationship where the couple was “married in their hearts,” or where they believed marriage to just be a “piece of paper,” that worked. The reason for that is that covenant and consummation are meant to go together.
The marriage covenant provides the security and protection around the relationship where both partners are safe and secure for life. There is meant to be an exclusivity and permanence to marriage that allows both parties to flourish. Hard times will come, difficulties will come, challenges will come, trials will come, but you are both in this together for life – there is a tremendous incentive to make it work, not just for the happiness of both parties, but also for God’s glory. A well-ordered marriage is pleasing to Him.
There is no safety, and security in cohabitating…not at all. Either party can leave at any time, and honestly, that’s exactly what both parties want even though they would never admit it to each other. What this amounts to is that both parties are hedging their bets. The man is generally willing to play house if he can have sex regularly, and the woman is willing to have sex regularly if the man is willing to play house. If something better comes along for either party, or the arrangement no longer suits their fancy then they are gone with both parties thinking, ironically, “well, at least we weren’t married.”
This type of non-committal attitude isn’t something that is exclusively related to intimate
relationships. There is a common complaint that I hear regularly from those I know who either run their own business or run someone else’s business, and that is, that they have the hardest time getting people to work. That is, they have a hard time finding people and then once they have found them, getting them to stay for any length of time. Which of course, increases their costs which ultimately trickles down to the consumer.
This is not to say that there is never a good reason to switch jobs, of course there is. However, we should all understand that this is not a costless transaction. The lack of commitment, and rate at which people move around today from job to job does have an effect on everyone, which is to say that this is not a neutral transaction.
If you are a small business owner, or a manager it is very hard to plan for the future of your company when the majority of your staff is there until they find something better. I love working here and I am totally committed to the company until…a better benefits package comes along, better pay, better title…whatever…I am totally committed to you until.
In regards to relationships it goes like this, “I am totally committed to you until a younger little bitty comes along that is willing to engage in the same transaction.” No wonder people are so anxious today, they live in a state of performance analysis where they can be rejected at any given moment.
This same mentality exists regarding the church. Most would prefer to attend a church without ever becoming a member of a local church. They want all of the blessings of fellowship without any real commitment to the local body. They prefer to play church, if you will, but if something better comes along they are gone. You say, “are people really that superficial in the church?” Absolutely.
You say, “yeah, but those are non-members. What do you expect?” First of all, I think we
should remember what the church is and second of all, I think our expectations of people should be higher. Even so, I have noticed that there is really no difference in this regard when it comes to members or nonmembers. Many will become members of a church – covenanting with that local body, but then will do everything in their power to find the most retarded reasons to leave. That is, even when they are members, the prevailing culture of hedge betting is still predominate.
Of course, what I am saying is not a surprise to anyone other than the fact that I am saying it out loud. Anyone that has been in the body of Christ for any length of time knows this to be the case. I say this, because as long as “hedge betting” is the norm within the church nothing of real substance is going to be built.
There is a tremendous amount of good material out there today, online resources, podcasts, and apps all doing wonderful work and confronting things and people that need to be confronted. This is all well and good, and I praise God for that, but the consumption of all these resources is just that – consumption. What this can actually do is give the appearance of building without actually building anything, and can actually perpetuate the perpetual hedge betting mentality.
Knowing about building isn’t actually building, but now everyone is an expert about that which they’ve never done. Submission to authority is likely to never occur when arrogance is coupled with ignorance, but that’s ok, because I’m sure you’ll find another church that will appreciate you.
Every so many years or so, we have pastors that gain a large following. Right now, many are on the Doug Wilson band wagon, and rightfully so. There is a lot to love and appreciate and I am personally thankful for his success. However, I am also equally convinced that the vast majority of people that love him right now, only do so because he is not their pastor. This is true of anyone pastor that they may follow through podcasting and the like.
I am thankful for all the resources available today…I’ve partaken much and have contributed much, and again, I am thankful for that, however, I can’t help but fear that this just further perpetuates the hedge betting mentality that is so prevalent across our culture. You receive all the benefits of being a part of something without any real responsibility or accountability.
And when that may arise, you can simply go to another church while still listening to all the same people online. The local church and pastor are simply there as a formality. Like the guy that can go from girlfriend to girlfriend while still watching all the same porn online.
The fact of the matter is, much of this is perpetuated culturally because it is perpetuated in the church – unfortunately, in many cases our standards aren’t much different. If anything is going to change, it has to change in the church first. Cultural reformation always begins with ecclesiastical reformation. Cheers!
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